The Window of what Was, or Is, or MAYBE Will Be

It's strange, the windows technology give us. 

Portals to glimpse lives outside our own, to grasp knowledge from every corner of the known world, to peer into the cultures of lands spanning an entire globe. 

Or, in my case today, to look backwards in time. To see a much younger self, one who constantly shared her opinions, her thoughts. 

Why did I stop? Well. That's irrelevant, really. Why do any of us deviate from earlier versions of ourselves? Sometimes, we lose the person we enjoyed being along the way. Occasionally, life offers us the pieces of the past and allows us an opportunity to add those bits to our present, to our future. An intentional re-forging of the self, as it were. 

It is nice to see some of my thoughts haven't much changed - ridiculous to see the world has in fact gotten worse, though. Or, perhaps I am simply seeing more of it. 

Perhaps we all, as one, are simply seeing more of it. Maybe it's always been this bad, and we are collectively realizing at once that we are on a burning train. Perhaps those who have gone before us have finally had their weary shouts of "FIRE" get through in a way they never could pre-internet, pre-world wide connection, pre-dashcams and damning cell phone recordings. 

Things have perhaps always been this bad, just now we have such better tools at our disposal to see it and, with any hope at all, to change it. 

I like the idea of things being better. Perhaps that makes me an idealist, to choose to hope for the best outcome, but so many of you are such godsdamned pessimists someone has to choose to balance things out. (Sorry grandparents, there is a high chance at least one of you is reading this and yes, I do swear now. Side effect of the adulthood and free will thing, maybe something about the company I keep, though, really I just like the extra oomph swear words bring to a sentence.)

Previously, I used this blog to track all the little thoughts I had in observing the world around me. Born, I think, from a childhood spent outside the glass as it were. Existing between two countries, as though experiencing life in a corridor watching from the doorways, knowing none of the rooms in either house could truly be mine. This is not a tragic thing, don't get me wrong.  I do live in a room in a house now (metaphorically speaking, that is. I live in an apartment.) Yet, I still often find myself with that same sense of otherness, of being an outsider, of observing the culture and interacting with it perhaps the same way an anthropologist might. Carefully, trying not to disturb the soil. Leave no traces and all that.

I'd like to stop doing that. 

I'd like to start leaving traces again. 

Perhaps, in the stillness that comes with unemployment, Life has offered me some of those lost pieces of myself. Maybe if I'd gone to school for anthropology, I could analyze the pieces and figure out how it all worked together. Figure out what broke, repair myself stronger again. 

Hopefully, even without the academic background, I can still find a way to re-forge myself. 

Maybe I'll start here, sharing my little blog, with my little thoughts. 

Maybe you'll come along with me, reader.  

I'd like that.  

~Sophia

 

 

Note: the me who started this blog in 2009 added a statement of faith to it. She, or, I, did things like that a lot. Many of my older posts are faith driven. It was once the only home I knew, my faith. I have updated that tab to reflect who I am now, though I will not be retconning the thoughts of a younger, less experienced Sophia. She was valid then, even if she and I probably would have some pretty strong words for one another should we somehow meet across the planes of time and space one day.    

"Oh, You're from the Bad side of town."

I have never lived in a nice neighborhood.

I have never lived in one of those shiny buildings with the nice brick walls and the fireplace and the spacious den with the three bedrooms and the double garage, with the carefully cultivated culture of a moderately moneyed community.

You know what I'm talking about. Those neighborhoods that always decorate nicely for christmas. The ones you almost never see cop cars prowling through. Whose manicured lawns and gorgeous oaks could be part of any suburban type film. Usually these places are either separated from everything in nice little communities, or they are close to some mode of transportation.

Now, I know a lot of you. You're probably thinking "Well no I never have either I'm not rich" and that may be true but what really defines what I am talking about is, when polite company finds out where you live, what do they say?

I have never lived in a nice neighborhood.

When polite company finds out where I live, eyebrows raise. Concern clearly flits across faces. Usually the first words are "Oh that's not safe" or, even more condemning "Oh. That's the bad part of town."

Other more archaic terms would be the other side of the tracks.

So why am I talking about it?
Because no one is willing to, it seems.

You see, I primarily end up in church communities. The ones with the sweet middle aged women whose kids all do well in school and make friends and are all pastel colored, if you will.
I am not saying these people never know hardships, so do not take that away from this.

What I want to talk about it the use of the term "Bad" in relation to a part of a city in which people inhabit.

So what makes a part of a town bad? Is is the dilapidated apartment complexes? The housing people have lost track of, the unruly lawns that haven't seen a lawnmower in years? Maybe it's the fuzzed out streetlights, or the police cars you see casually making their ways down streets.
No, that can't be it. Maybe it's the collection of cheap fast food joints, and the family dollars and Walmarts. Or the added security cams in every store.
Or perhaps we can turn to the bars and the tattoo parlors. Surely those are the cause of how bad this part of town is, yes?

No.

It's the people.

It's the people at the bars and the people in the tattoo shops.
It's the people at the family dollars and the Walmarts.
It's the people and their thrift stores, their clothes that don't fit right, the kids who are out of control, the single mothers who have given up.
It's the people and their cigarette smoke, their sunken depressed eyes and their sallow faces.
It's the men in their oversized hoodies, their sagging sweatpants, with the scent of weed clinging to their skin.
It's the women with their shirts too tight and their collars too low, with their long manicured nails and their wild dark lipstick.

It's not the buildings. It's the people.

And that, friends, is my problem.

As many of you are bible readers, I am sure, let me ask you something. What does it mean to you when in Genesis we see God creating mankind in His own image?
What does it mean, that all have fallen short of the glory of God?
And what does it mean when it says God loves every person, that Jesus wanted all of us from the foundations of the earth and that is why He died?

A weird trend I see in the modern church is that when a Christian runs into trouble, when they don't have money for the bills or for food, we pray for them. And when a non believer runs into the same situation, we assume they have made bad choices in their life.

And then we call them bad people.

There is no such thing as a bad person.
There is such thing has bad habits, and yes bad choices.
But for every worn out alcoholic there is a story of depression, of abandonment, of loss. For every single mother there is a story of trust broken, of love lost, of a father who walked out. For every kid that steals, there is a story of someone who has never had enough.

There is no such thing as "the bad part of town."
Not when we have a God who desired every tongue and every tribe and every nation. Not when we have a Holy Spirit with us, when we have a Father who cares. And not when we have a Jesus who loves.

I can understand that many do not feel safe in these areas but when you became a Christian, did you not get that part when God became your protector? Did you miss the part where it says He knows the plans He has for you, or the part where He says do not be afraid for He is with you?

If the small risks scare you away from loving people, how much more afraid will you be when there are bigger issues?

Who is God to you, and what are His people, anyways?

~Silver

The Do's and Dont's of talking to a broken family.

In class today some people decided to ask our teacher about divorce in the bible. This comes up a lot when bible teachers open the floor for Q&A, and after the millionth time of sitting through the series of questions, I've realized...

I have some things to say about it.
But not like you might think.

If you're looking for how to talk to the parents, go elsewhere. I've never been divorced and I've never had kids so I don't know how you might talk to them.

But my parents are divorced.
And I know exactly how I feel about people talking to me....

So here's a quick few guidelines on how to talk to kids whose parents are divorce, or simply separated, who are fighting and not together, whose relationship is on the rocks.

Do: Remember primarily that the person you are talking to has suddenly, at no matter what age his or her parents decided to split, lost control. This person's family, the core of their stability, the foundation of how they were raised, has suddenly become broken. It doesn't matter the reason why. But this person has feelings and their world went from ok to shattered somewhere along the line. They may never recover, that's ok that they don't. But approach them with that mindset. Love, honor, and respect them. They are not representative of their parents' decisions.

Don't: inform the person of your opinion. It doesn't matter if you think their parents should have split or not. It doesn't matter whose side you are on. And it especially doesn't matter if you're praying for them or not. Unless God gave you some incredible words of comfort, it is not your place to speak your opinions or judgements to a kid whose family is broken.

Do: Ask how you can pray. Seriously, this is important. If you're going to pray into a situation you need to know what exactly to pray for. Not every family has hope of getting back together. Not every couple needs prayer for that. I know I personally would rather you pray that hearts get healed, not that my parents get back together. It's way more helpful that way. If my parents get back together and their hearts aren't healed? The resulting storm would be worse than the initial divorce. But that's my situation. Be mindful of every situation on it's own.

Don't: Treat the kids different from the parents. Especially if you profess Christ. I HAVE to clarify with this one... I don't mean shun everyone collectively. But if you're going to show concern to the offspring while shunning one or both parents, you are not exemplifying Christ. And you are confusing the child. Seriously. Someone who's parents are suddenly unstable already doesn't know what to think. Now is your time to be Christlike in love and compassion and be an example of what this kid is to do. My church shunned both of my parents; they wouldn't look either of them in the eye or even speak to them. My dad had to leave, my mom was no longer allowed to help in the church... But those same elders that made those decisions came to me every sunday and looked me in the eye while smiling and asking if I was ok. That was definitely not ok.

Do: Be nice, be welcoming, be helpful, invite the kid over if you know him or her, offer your condolances or a hug.

Don't: Smother. PLease, for the love of God, do not seek out people in this place just to be a helpful shoulder. If you are open and available, they will come to you. Especially if they know you. If you don't know them, don't chase after them. Don't tell them all the time that it's ok to cry and if they need anything you're right there. Do you know what that sounded like to me, and still does? It sounds like I am a problem you are begging to fix. Don't make me your problem. I am my own problem.

Do: Feel privileged if he or she actually does come to you. Feel honored. Feel trusted.

AND THEN DO NOT BETRAY THAT TRUST. You do not go to the parents with the kid's feelings. You do not hand off the kid to other people. UNLESS the kid is literally talking suicide or self harm and you are not equipped to handle it, this individual's heart is PRECIOUS. You have been chosen to steward someone's currently very fragile broken heart. Don't parade that. Don't become "Savior." To me that always sounded like you were saying "Hey guys I'm the one that made her finally break!" which goes right back to I am a puzzle, a code to break, and you are trying to fix me.


If you don't know the person like, at all, but you know their parents? That's nice and all but you will freak the person out if you approach them more than once. Trust me on this. All kinds of adults approached teenage me and teenage my brother. There was a period of time in which i could not deal with adults. They all suddenly became eternally helpful and always there and smiling and wanting to hug me. They weren't there if I needed them. They were whether if I needed them Or Not.
And I didn't.

Don't: Preach at the individual. This goes back to the opinion thing.

Don't: Talk about the individual's family situation with the person sitting right there. Unless you are best friend and you have been personally nominated to be the spokesperson for the individual, you are not the voice. You are not the story teller. That is not your place. Shut up. You are making the person feel more insecure. Whispers that they can't possibly hear will come around. Rumors hurt the kids worse than the parents because the parents at least know the truth. The kids may not know everything.

Do: Pay attention if the person opens their mouth.

Do: Be a friend.

Don't: I think you've got this by now but I'll state it again... Do not force your friendship. I could write a whole other post on forced friendships. I hate them. Don't target them.


Hopefully that covers everything but if I missed something and your parents are divorced, let me know what I missed. I'll edit it in.
And remember, I don't speak for everyone. Every situation is different. But if you be a good, kind, compassionate human and Respect Other People's Boundaries, you're probably doing ok.


EDIT: This is a Don't from a lovely reader who messaged me  :)
"One thing that I never appreciated was that people would ask me how I was doing and most of them I didn't care to share with so I just said "I'm fine." to which they would pause and just kinda wait, like they weren't satisfied with that answer and it wasn't alright for me to choose not to share with them. At that point I would usually just smile and excuse myself or just walk away."
My own words to this is, please, be careful with people! If you're going to ask someone how they are we often forget how personal of a question that really is! ESPECIALLY if the person you are asking is in a crisis situation!!

EDIT: This is another Don't from an anon.
"Have your parents seen fireproof?" As if watching a movie was going to just magically make it all better  I mean, even my own aunt asked me that one. She was somehow convinced that they might watch it and then "see the error of their ways" and poof, everything's fixed"
Literally please never suggest remedies. I personally don't care if you suggest them to the parents, though I think the suggestion of a movie remedy is naive and flippant and probably pretty painful to hear, but to suggest a remedy to a kid? Who do you think the child is, the parent's counsellor? No! So much no!

~Silver

Are we too caught up?

Sometimes, I pause and listen to what's being said around me, and I think to myself... Do we even know what we're saying?

We learn all these cool things and names and words like Maranatha and Jehovah Rapha and El Roi and Elohim and Rhema and it's all very nice and all but..

How often do we get caught in what we know?

I'd like to think I'm self aware enough to recognize that I do. Someone says God is Alpha and Omega and my little head goes OH I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THAT! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BEGINNING AND END OF THE ALPHABET GUYS!!! (If you ask I'll explain but otherwise it's not entirely so important.)

We learn something really cool about God and our first instinct is to tell everyone. "Guys. Did you know God is like _______?" "I got this cool revelation!"

That's very nice of everyone to share. Sharing is good. But do we spend time thinking about what we know? Or seeking to know more?

We cry out, God I want more of you! But can we say we have found satisfaction in where we are right now without needing our lives to constantly be in change?

I'm not writing from an innocent standpoint.

You sit there and go God who are you? Why would you even talk to me, I'm so lowly... And slowly you feel like God loves you and the concept that God could love a little screw up like you and even knowing everything you've done wrong be ok with it... Well. It's exciting.

So what do you do with that sudden revelation?

Do you sit with it? Do you meditate on the words He just said? This thing that you now know? I'm using the above concept merely as an example. My question extends beyond, to any sudden discovery. The pastor says something one sunday morning and "OH I NOW KNOW THIS THING" and next you know it, you're sharing it at home group and you're talking about it with your parents the next time they call to check on you and your family.

But then what happens to the concept a week later?

What are we taking from what we know, really?

Are we taking the precious fire and holding it close to our hearts, or are we waving it around like a torch in a rainstorm?





That's it. That's all. Just that question. Ask yourself. Think about it. Really think about it. Pray about it. And if God talks to you or you figure something in the bible out this week, pay attention to what you do with that.

~Silver

ADHD. And Meds. And those other taboo things.

Ok so it has been a very, very long time since I last updated. Actually. I deleted my last update because realistically, I don't see myself finishing a three part series on anything unless I can convince myself to focus on writing all three parts at once, and then remember to post them once a week. Knowing me, i'd post two and then the last would be a few months to a year later.

Heck, I can't even manage to finish a paper a week ahead of the deadline. Or. A day ahead of the deadline for that matter. (I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not procrastinating right now. Not on a paper at least. And I can't think of something else so.)

I'd kind of like to start some sort of open debate thing here, but we all know that isn't happening. For one thing, in the three years (wait no, way more than that...) I've had this blog I've accumulated 24 total comments and let's not talk about the percentage of those belong to my mother (Love you mom...) For the other thing... I like debating, but it takes a lot to convince me I'm wrong. So. *shrugs*

So today I'll talk about being ADHD. Actually no let's talk about medication. And ADHD. But mostly meds.

Now before you freak out at me because "OH MY GOSH THE SYSTEM AND CHEMICALS AND OBJECTS AND THINGS AND LIESSSS all you believe are LIESSS!!!" Remember three things. Firstly, you probably won't feel like commenting because that requires typing your email, secondly it really does take me a lot to convince me I'm wrong, and thirdly actually hear me out before writing me off. I've thought a lot about this.

Quick history of me, my family, and medication. My family suffers this insignificant little thing called growth hormone deficiency. Meaning, our young maturing bodies don't produce all the things we need to be normal adults. Physically I mean. Not mentally. That's.... A whole other matter... Anyways. So my brother and I both in our childhood were put on medicine to correct this. As a result, my brother is now 5'8 with a fully functional metabolism and things, and I'm... Well. I'm short. But I didn't stop at 4'6, at the age of 10, and develop a full feminine figure in a year.

Therefore, can we just agree that yes, there are clearly some things that physically some bodies actually lack and need help with? I guess that's not the best proof, but the easiest example is how some women cannot give birth. And we all know leukemia exists, and we can't deny cancer either.

So when it comes to big, physical things... There is some pretty rock hard evidence out there that some medicines are helpful. Heck, did Jesus ever speak against doctors? No. Is there anything wrong with letting people trained in the area of medicine use their gifting and knowledge? No! I mean if they happen to be chanting and dancing and throwing incense at you then yes but that isn't medicine now is it.

What I don't see is the disconnect between physical medicines and mental medicines.... Ok, so I see there supposed disconnect. But can we dispel that?

Here's where ADHD comes in. Yes, I agree it is an over diagnosed thing and not every child has it and really what a lot of kids need is simply some loving discipline. No, I don't think it's fake. trust me, my brother and I grew up with loving discipline. We grew up well behaved and nicely trained to be good kids but... ADHD isn't the concept of being random and uncontrolled. ADHD is, most simply, when your brain works at such a speed that you can't help but have an insane amount of topics going at once. Outwardly it sounds like taco christmas fishsticks cars and a partridge in a pear tree, but inwardly each statement and concept that comes out is tied to a full and complete thought. And when someone like this loses their train of thought, it will usually come back and maybe even be more fully developed.

For instance, you could have been talking to my brother about an even that happened in youth group, and suddenly he's got your necklace in his hands and is inspecting it. And now he's playing with the person next to him's hair. If you stopped and asked if he was listening, he could recite to you exactly what you just said.

Treu story, really. He'd do that, he'd juggle things in class, he'd make paper airplanes... But he was listening. It just didn't look like it.

The easy answer is "Well, he must have been overstimulated so now his brain requires more than one thing in order to be satisfied. He's too attached to entertainment." If you consider being a missionary kid  who stayed in his room and played quietly with legos to be overstimulated, then you can just leave. I'm done talking to you. You are boring and dense. We had an old laptop with no internet. We grew up with reading rabbit, carmen sandiego, and math blasters. If it didn't teach, we didn't have it. He evn played chess. And won every time.

"Where does the medication thing come in? I get it, your brother's ADHD and a genius and whatever else you're trying to say. Get to the point." Ok, ok getting there. Remember when I mentionned losing trains of thought?

The issue of ADHD is the insane amount of thoughts, mixed with the speed of thought, mixed with the depth. (Make a mathematical equation out of that, I dare you) The issue is, because your brain is just Going and Going... You lose yourself.

"And not like, oh I can't stop my mind wandering haha I'm such a ditz" although that's what I thought I was for the longest time. But it really does make focusing on anything feel impossible. You and I have a conversation in real life, let's say you ask me a simple question about my life or I ask you one about yours. An hour later (If you let me talk that long) we will have discussed music, my boyfriend, your love interest, the mentality of teenagers in this era, what the weather is like today, how many asians are in the room, what would happen if I could get everyone I know to wear a cape to school one day, what your family was like growing up, where you're going in life, your favorite tea, something about coffee and the easter bunny, and how simplistic and arrogant America is. (I dare you to complain about me saying that. Dare. You.)

Why? Because every phrase ever has a million tangents to it, and when someone is talking quickly the other person usually feels bad interrupting. And also, how would you respond if I asked you how many coconuts do you think that impressively large man could smash with his head before getting a headache?

That is how my brain works. That is how ADHD works. And I will try to end most of your sentences. Sometimes, I'll be right. It's not because I think I know more, it's because my brain wants to see if its pattern of thinking matches yours. It wants to see if I can solve the sentence before you do. (Also, I apologize in advance.) believe it or not, but that is one of the 18 symptoms of ADHD.

Meds. Right. Those. What are the pros of this?

Well, for one thing, when your brain feels like a tornado... It really helps to have a stabilizer. Something to let you stand on your feet for a bit. I'm not on meds right now, because I don't have time to see a psychiatrist and go through trials to figure out which one works the right way (I have been through... Mm.. Three or four? That didn't work) but I am on caffeine, which I get cheap because I work at a cafe.

Here's where I stand on medication.

If you find yourself unstable in any arena of the mind, seek wholeness. Yes, pray, but God didn't simply kick the gentiles out of the promised land. Israel still fought, knowing they had the victory because God was before them.

So fight, knowing you have the victory. Go see a counsellor. Read the books. Go to classes. Talk to people.

And, see a psychiatrist if needed.

If you are dealing with depression, don't just get mad at yourself and depressed because prayer isn't working. See someone and get something to use TEMPORARILY until you are on your feet. Same with any other mental thing.

Which brings me to my next point.

I do not believe all medicines should be something permanent. And that is why meds get a bad rep; because people use them as solutions instead of part of the equation.

If you need to be on some sort of pill, Do Not make that pill your answer. That would be like giving a strong pain killer to a man with a broken leg, and then sending him on his way. He can't feel it, but his leg is still broken.

If you have an issue, medication is not the bed to push your problem under.

Your mind still needs to be healed.

If it gets to the point where you are upping your dose because you're still depressed/moody/emotional/anything else, you should start considering exactly how invested you are into actually getting better.

That make sense? I can make a million more analogies (Medicine is a shelter after the hurricane. Work on making your mind a house. Don't move into the shelter...)

But... That being said, there are some things that are caused by real chemical imbalances.

If that is your case... There is no shame in having to take a pill for it.

Society is so quick to condemn. We see someone on medical drugs and think "Oh, they're an addict. Oh, they're incapable of taking care of themselves. Oh, they have such little faith" and a million other things. But you wouldn't think that of someone in a cast or a wheelchair, would you?

It's time we start seeing things with a new perspective.

Strike down fear. Learn to live. And learn to feel comfortable and safe doing what you need to seek wholeness and restoration.

Please, feel free to ask me questions. I will clarify and expound on anything!!

 Heck, even try to debate with me ;) After all, it is in debate that all the facts can be laid out and weighed.

~Silver

This has nothing to do with your dad.

This is for you.

This is another one of those posts I’d encourage you to read all the way through, whether the beginning sounds like it applies to you or not. 

It’s hard to trust God. I can admit it. Can you? Probably. That’s not hard to admit. 

But.

Do you know why it’s so hard to trust God?

I mean, really there are an infinite amount of answers that are honestly all correct to some degree or another and it really does depend on the person but can you think of something it may come down to?

(I don’t trust anyone. I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times.) 

Perfectly valid and unfortunately common. Because we are human, made of dust, and wielding knives in our hands and in our tongues. That is the most common reason why we don’t trust God. 

But you know what that ties to?

(let me guess. My relationship with my father) Yes but that is an entirely different matter and not actually one I’d like to touch on here, on this site… Issues with your dad is something you should probably just take to God and seek counsel for. Just sayin’…

No, surprisingly trust issues tie a lot to worth. Think about it. If you trust someone, it’s because you value them and they value you. The more valued you feel, the more likely you are to be able to trust that person. If a leader values your opinion, listens to what you have to say, and takes time to talk to you or help you… You can follow them. 

So… If you have trouble following God’s leadership and trusting that He will provide for you, what does that accordingly signify? (That I don’t like leaders.) You’re missing this. 

You don’t feel valued. 

You don’t feel like you are worth listening to.

Does that sound like you at all? This isn’t going to sound like every single person that reads this of course, so you can decide it doesn’t. That’s ok. I’m not name calling. Heck I know I need to be listening to what I say myself, even in writing this I'm realizing that. Keep reading... You're bound to get something out of this. 

But do you feel like your opinions won’t be considered? Like… If you need something, that something should take the back burner.

Because for some reason, every time you have a good idea, someone else has a better one. Every time you do something well, someone else comes along and does it better before anyone else notices. And people tell you they’re listening, but then they do the exact opposite. 

Like you are nothing to them.

Like your words are nothing to them.

And it’s no wonder you find it hard to trust God, or anyone else for that matter.

If no one else cares about you… Why would God? 

Why would God give you what you need, especially if you can get it for yourself. You can stand on your own two feet, so why don’t you? You’re broke with two jobs but you have 12 hours free time, so you can get a third job. Why should God have to take care of you?

Of course you’re spending time in prayer and you are trusting and you know He does provide for you and He loves you and you are His and all that… But if the money for the bills doesn’t come through that’s completely to be expected. God cares, but there are simply some things that it’s just common sense you’d have to do on your own. You can’t expect God to run your life for you now can you? 

I mean, obviously the answer is just pray harder, but don't bug God too much He knows what you need so don't bug Him about it.  Right? The Bible says He'll provide for you and, well, you're alive and living fine so that must be provision enough. Just be happy with it as it is. Don't ask Him too much, don't bother Him with your own life too much, it's about relationship so it must be about Him and where He wants you. No need to spend time asking for HIm to send you help. 

You don't deserve it. You deserve death anyways and you're not getting that. 

(That’s not a trust issue. That’s just common sense.) No honey, that’s a trust issue. And that's a worth issue. There is no where in the Bible hat supports your so called common sense. Unless God has specifically told you you need to go get three jobs, my guess is you don’t really need those three jobs. God knows our frame. He’s not going to require more of us than we can handle. 

(But I can handle three jobs heck I can handle four. I’m just like that.) Yeah and you’re tired and miserable and can’t figure out what’s wrong with your life, because there is something, even something miniscule, that’s just off. There is something that just isn’t right and you aren’t quite sure what it is, even though you’ve surrounded yourself with answers… 

It’s just lost to you. 

I’m not going to back down on this point either. I firmly believe that the more you actively trust God the more He will answer you, and the more you believe you are worthy and deserving of Love (After all, you were worth dying for..) the more He can show you by providing for you. But if you give flowers to someone who doesn't think they deserve them, the flowers are wasted. 

(But He never… I have before. I did for a very long time. You don’t know my life.)

No I don’t but I have a pretty good guess about how you feel about yourself. About how you feel others view you, maybe even how others do view you. This has nothing to do with trust.

This has everything to do with realizing and deciding that you are worth something. That you are worth listening to. That you are worth taking a little time to relax. And don’t give me that, "well if I decide I’m worth taking a little time, or I decide I’m worth having my needs met, I’ll become selfish." That’s where self control comes in, obviously. But you have to let yourself be taken care of. Otherwise God can’t really take care of you can He. Either He’s slaving over your life for you, or you are. You can’t have it both ways. 

You can’t live worthless. 

If you have needs… You have to let yourself be loved. There is no way around it. Otherwise you’ll be standing in a room full of closed doors because you don’t think you’re worth it for someone to hold the door open for you while you get all your stuff through. You’ll sit in that warm room with your coat on because you don’t see yourself as worth it for someone to take your coat for you. And then you'll walk out into the cold, thinking that's where He's sending you because you have your coat still. 

If you don’t believe you are worth the world, if you don’t believe your ideas are worth listening to, and if you don’t believe your questions are worth answering… There is nothing that can be done for you. 

If you aren't letting yourself be loved, then who could love you?

It has to be an agreement for something to get done. You have to agree with Him.

Do you think you can do that? I mean, you seem to think working three jobs is easy enough to take on a fourth right? If you can run the entire world... Surely you can let something go because you’re worth the time. 

Right?

~Silver

This is very serious. very. Very serious.

So I went from no posts to suddenly posting all the time. That's ok though, right? Course it is. You know why? Because I decided it is. 

Now this? This is very serious. This is on my heart…

That instead of rejecting what we don’t understand we would love it. We would learn it. 

But then again, everyone talks about that. And everyone faces rejection. If I said this outright on my facebook, for instance, every gay friend I have would read it and agree. So would every Christian friend. Every atheist friend. 

Everyone. Would agree. But no one really wants this, not in its purest form. What people really just desire is that they themselves, as an individual, would be understood and loved. 

Some would disagree with this, of course. They would say no, it’s not just me, it’s all of my group! And as true as it would be, that is besides the point. By advocating for a specific group to be understood you are looking for people to accept you yourself. That just happens to mean that the group you identify with has to be accepted as well. Because if someone who is like you is rejected, that is the same as you being rejected. 

I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m not calling everyone in the world selfish bastards (excuse the term but it fits), merely because it should be blatantly obvious that as a race we are all indeed… Selfish bastards. 

If one insecure teenager kills herself for whatever reason, whatever rejection, where doe the outcry arise from most prominently? Every person who has been that insecure teenager. People who identify with her mistakes and her life and her issues. 

It’s basic math. (Well. Basic geometry anyways.) The substitutive property. If a=b and b=c then a can be used in place of c. If she is like me, then the ones who put her down put me down. 

The basic formula for sympathy. 

Again, I’m not calling this bad. It’s perfectly normal and is, in fact, how we were built to operate. 

(Ok.. So why are you highlighting this? If not to scoff at humanity’s fallacies in operating, why even bring it up?) Have patience and let me get to the point. Remember, like it or not, I believe in God. And Jesus. And in finding our acceptance in Jesus. 

(Ok God I can agree with. Jesus though? Really?) If you judge me for that you can leave. It’s what I believe. I’m not here to start a political religious argument about my beliefs and if you don’t like them deal with it. I don’t answer to your pains and opinions. You won’t be standing for me before the throne of God any more than I will be standing in place of you. Let me answer for myself in that day.

Now, that said. Back to my point. (Right. Jesus. And selfish selfish bastards.)

So glad you remember! 

Why should you let how others’ feel about someone who isn’t you?

And why should you let that define you?

(But.. You just said that’s how we operate.. How we were made to…)

No, stop. Yes I said that. I said there’s nothing wrong with it. And there’s not. It’s the basic formula for sympathy… But what it should very expressively not be is our standard of self. 

See? Or maybe you don’t see, I don’t know. But there’s no easier way to explain this than in books and movies. Don’t hate me for this. But take Twilight for example. (So much hate right now.) Calm down. It’s just an example. Why was Twilight so successful? Because Bella Swan is relatable. Raise your hand if you’re a bit of a klutz, who’s really quiet until people get to know you. If you’re not drop dead gorgeous, but rather pretty average. If you don’t think you’re anything special. If you have issues with either or both of your parents. If you’re frustrated with yourself. If you’re insecure. If you aren’t “that girl” who has the attention of every guy in the room. If you’re a little lonely and just want someone to understand. If you feel misunderstood.

Chances are you match 2 or 3 of those characteristics, at least. And Twilight was popular because every fangirl could relate to Bella, and because Edward was built to meet every need someone who matched Bella had. And we hate hearing that because it makes us cliche but even in that we are cliche. 

So if we can find love and acceptance in a book about someone who is just like us finding love and acceptance… It stands to reason that the opposite is true. 

What’s weird is that this generation hates itself so much that a lot of times, the “bullies” are only trying to hate themselves less by pushing around someone else who reminds them of their own weaknesses. 

So this is what’s on my heart. 

Changing our standards of relation. 

That instead of rejecting what we don’t understand we would love ourselves. We would learn ourselves. 

And that we would look to the One who made us, and realize that when He said creation was perfect He wasn’t talking about just in that instance, but that His words are eternal, and that He knew everything that would be going on in your life. 

It’s the hardest wall to overcome. To break down. Letting God’s standard take priority over our own. After all, acceptance from a God you can’t see is all well and good but people. People arw all around you and it hurts when they don’t love you and you have to deal with them every day and…

Trust me. I hear you. I understand that all too well. It’s one of the most painful things, living in rejection. Walking around knowing no one likes you and living knowing that your good friends only tolerate you. That behind your back they’d really rather have nothing to do with you…

Trust me. I know exactly how it feels. I’m still dealing with the repercussions of all that. But you know what’s the greatest feeling ever?

Looking in the mirror and deciding not to care about anything else but you, and God. 

Walking into a room and deciding it doesn’t matter if everyone is talking behind your back.

Opening your mouth to speak and deciding it doesn’t matter if people are only listening out of obligation. 

Not caring if you have friends because they feel bad for you. 

Deciding that you stand before God, and that you will only care about His opinion of you, and letting that be the standard for your opinion of you. 

There is nothing more freeing and confidence boosting than looking yourself in the eye and saying “Hey you, I like you. God likes you. Let’s just let everyone else deal with themselves and their own insecurities. If people want to hate me for how I make them feel about themselves, that’s cool. I’m going to like me today for how I feel about myself, and for how God feels about myself, and that is the end of the matter.”

I dare you. Do that. Actually stand in front of a mirror and do that. Actually close your eyes and think that. It’s ok to not care about anyone else right now. It’s ok to let you worry about who you are. God didn’t make you according to how your best friend in 8th grade wanted… Heck, God didn’t even make you according to what your own parents wanted. God made you how He wanted to. It’s not your job to concern yourself with other’s petty opinions and selves. 

It’s actually your job… To love yourself.

So be free in who you are. 

I’m not even kidding. Try this. For the next two weeks, decide not to care about what anyone else is thinking about you. For the next two weeks, form an opinion about yourself purely on how you feel about you. Purely on what you like about you. And if you don’t like you, ask yourself why not. 

If you don’t like you, figure out who made you that way. Because chances are you don’t like you because someone else didn’t like you. God made you and He liked you. 

You came into this world loved. You came into this world because you were wanted by someone. 

Spend the next two weeks dwelling on that someone (God, not a significant other. Not a best friend or a brother.) Spend the next two weeks actually deciding to let Him be your standard.

I can’t promise it’ll work in two weeks. It took you your entire life to decide you hate yourself, so if it takes more than two weeks to change your mind don’t get discouraged or give up. But I can promise you. Once you don’t care about what other insecure human people think (And trust me everyone else is just as insecure), you’ll like yourself a heck of a lot more. 

I promise. 

~Silver