This is very serious. very. Very serious.

So I went from no posts to suddenly posting all the time. That's ok though, right? Course it is. You know why? Because I decided it is. 

Now this? This is very serious. This is on my heart…

That instead of rejecting what we don’t understand we would love it. We would learn it. 

But then again, everyone talks about that. And everyone faces rejection. If I said this outright on my facebook, for instance, every gay friend I have would read it and agree. So would every Christian friend. Every atheist friend. 

Everyone. Would agree. But no one really wants this, not in its purest form. What people really just desire is that they themselves, as an individual, would be understood and loved. 

Some would disagree with this, of course. They would say no, it’s not just me, it’s all of my group! And as true as it would be, that is besides the point. By advocating for a specific group to be understood you are looking for people to accept you yourself. That just happens to mean that the group you identify with has to be accepted as well. Because if someone who is like you is rejected, that is the same as you being rejected. 

I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I’m not calling everyone in the world selfish bastards (excuse the term but it fits), merely because it should be blatantly obvious that as a race we are all indeed… Selfish bastards. 

If one insecure teenager kills herself for whatever reason, whatever rejection, where doe the outcry arise from most prominently? Every person who has been that insecure teenager. People who identify with her mistakes and her life and her issues. 

It’s basic math. (Well. Basic geometry anyways.) The substitutive property. If a=b and b=c then a can be used in place of c. If she is like me, then the ones who put her down put me down. 

The basic formula for sympathy. 

Again, I’m not calling this bad. It’s perfectly normal and is, in fact, how we were built to operate. 

(Ok.. So why are you highlighting this? If not to scoff at humanity’s fallacies in operating, why even bring it up?) Have patience and let me get to the point. Remember, like it or not, I believe in God. And Jesus. And in finding our acceptance in Jesus. 

(Ok God I can agree with. Jesus though? Really?) If you judge me for that you can leave. It’s what I believe. I’m not here to start a political religious argument about my beliefs and if you don’t like them deal with it. I don’t answer to your pains and opinions. You won’t be standing for me before the throne of God any more than I will be standing in place of you. Let me answer for myself in that day.

Now, that said. Back to my point. (Right. Jesus. And selfish selfish bastards.)

So glad you remember! 

Why should you let how others’ feel about someone who isn’t you?

And why should you let that define you?

(But.. You just said that’s how we operate.. How we were made to…)

No, stop. Yes I said that. I said there’s nothing wrong with it. And there’s not. It’s the basic formula for sympathy… But what it should very expressively not be is our standard of self. 

See? Or maybe you don’t see, I don’t know. But there’s no easier way to explain this than in books and movies. Don’t hate me for this. But take Twilight for example. (So much hate right now.) Calm down. It’s just an example. Why was Twilight so successful? Because Bella Swan is relatable. Raise your hand if you’re a bit of a klutz, who’s really quiet until people get to know you. If you’re not drop dead gorgeous, but rather pretty average. If you don’t think you’re anything special. If you have issues with either or both of your parents. If you’re frustrated with yourself. If you’re insecure. If you aren’t “that girl” who has the attention of every guy in the room. If you’re a little lonely and just want someone to understand. If you feel misunderstood.

Chances are you match 2 or 3 of those characteristics, at least. And Twilight was popular because every fangirl could relate to Bella, and because Edward was built to meet every need someone who matched Bella had. And we hate hearing that because it makes us cliche but even in that we are cliche. 

So if we can find love and acceptance in a book about someone who is just like us finding love and acceptance… It stands to reason that the opposite is true. 

What’s weird is that this generation hates itself so much that a lot of times, the “bullies” are only trying to hate themselves less by pushing around someone else who reminds them of their own weaknesses. 

So this is what’s on my heart. 

Changing our standards of relation. 

That instead of rejecting what we don’t understand we would love ourselves. We would learn ourselves. 

And that we would look to the One who made us, and realize that when He said creation was perfect He wasn’t talking about just in that instance, but that His words are eternal, and that He knew everything that would be going on in your life. 

It’s the hardest wall to overcome. To break down. Letting God’s standard take priority over our own. After all, acceptance from a God you can’t see is all well and good but people. People arw all around you and it hurts when they don’t love you and you have to deal with them every day and…

Trust me. I hear you. I understand that all too well. It’s one of the most painful things, living in rejection. Walking around knowing no one likes you and living knowing that your good friends only tolerate you. That behind your back they’d really rather have nothing to do with you…

Trust me. I know exactly how it feels. I’m still dealing with the repercussions of all that. But you know what’s the greatest feeling ever?

Looking in the mirror and deciding not to care about anything else but you, and God. 

Walking into a room and deciding it doesn’t matter if everyone is talking behind your back.

Opening your mouth to speak and deciding it doesn’t matter if people are only listening out of obligation. 

Not caring if you have friends because they feel bad for you. 

Deciding that you stand before God, and that you will only care about His opinion of you, and letting that be the standard for your opinion of you. 

There is nothing more freeing and confidence boosting than looking yourself in the eye and saying “Hey you, I like you. God likes you. Let’s just let everyone else deal with themselves and their own insecurities. If people want to hate me for how I make them feel about themselves, that’s cool. I’m going to like me today for how I feel about myself, and for how God feels about myself, and that is the end of the matter.”

I dare you. Do that. Actually stand in front of a mirror and do that. Actually close your eyes and think that. It’s ok to not care about anyone else right now. It’s ok to let you worry about who you are. God didn’t make you according to how your best friend in 8th grade wanted… Heck, God didn’t even make you according to what your own parents wanted. God made you how He wanted to. It’s not your job to concern yourself with other’s petty opinions and selves. 

It’s actually your job… To love yourself.

So be free in who you are. 

I’m not even kidding. Try this. For the next two weeks, decide not to care about what anyone else is thinking about you. For the next two weeks, form an opinion about yourself purely on how you feel about you. Purely on what you like about you. And if you don’t like you, ask yourself why not. 

If you don’t like you, figure out who made you that way. Because chances are you don’t like you because someone else didn’t like you. God made you and He liked you. 

You came into this world loved. You came into this world because you were wanted by someone. 

Spend the next two weeks dwelling on that someone (God, not a significant other. Not a best friend or a brother.) Spend the next two weeks actually deciding to let Him be your standard.

I can’t promise it’ll work in two weeks. It took you your entire life to decide you hate yourself, so if it takes more than two weeks to change your mind don’t get discouraged or give up. But I can promise you. Once you don’t care about what other insecure human people think (And trust me everyone else is just as insecure), you’ll like yourself a heck of a lot more. 

I promise. 

~Silver

This took me four and a half hours. Appreciate this.

I just realized I forgot to post the valentines post I'd written last year around this time. Oops. I'll put that up later I guess. Anyways. 

Because I believe that music directly affects how we feel and who we are and how we act etc… It’s been really hard to find good music I like. The joys of being a music major who relies mostly on her ear. While I will listen to most of the stuff on the local christian stations… Sometimes it just gets so… boring. Cliche. The bands all start to sound the same (And what really worries me is that two of the 5 stations have announcers that sound exactly alike. Not like, one or two  of the radio hosts on the station. I mean all of them. All of the time. Air.1 and KLOVE’s people sound nearly identical.)

At the same time, I could go listen to any band that labels itself christian…. But.. Well. Anberlin for instance. Its generally accepted in christian only circles. Even the stations accept it. But I don’t think they pay enough attention to the lyrics… I don’t care how much you sing about the heart. I don’t care how much you focus on emotion. If Emotion was God…. Well, the only sin in such a world would be to make sense. But Emotion isn’t God. God is Emotion. (Squares are not rectangles. Rectangles are squares.) SO writing a bunch of songs about deep emotions doesn’t make you Christian. And anberlin doesn’t even go that far. Half their songs are bout chicks and being in love or losing that love anyways. (Challenge me on this. I dare you.)

Same honestly goes for, say, Emery. Go ahead. Sing sarcastically about human fallacy. But until the song “Fix Me” on  “We Do What We Want”, there hadn’t been so much direct Jesus music. Maybe a little. But not enough…

Because criticizing human sin nature, though fun and easy to do, is still focusing on human sin nature. And that isn’t going to help anyone. That just turns us all into giggling bitter critics. 

Over the past couple years I’ve been trying to bring my musical tastes into perspective. Narrowing them down. Picking away at the bands whose lyrics… Just… Don’t… Quite.. Ring.. True…

It’s been hard to do, I won’t deny that. And really painful at times. You get attached to a band, discover suddenly they have some really weird theology, that there’s meaning behind that one song you loved…  

Because if you’re depressed or extremely apathetic, the last thing you need is something that matches your mood. It makes you feel better yes, but only because it helps you accept the emotion. If that makes sense. 

(You can disagree. That’s ok. I’ve just been studying this for 4+ years is all.)

So now I’m putting together a list. Now keep in mind this is according to my musical tastes (Which tend towards extremely specific) I won’t judge you for your opinions, please don’t judge me for mine. Got it?

Awesome.

Keep in mind the only band I’ve ever seen live is Newsboys, who were on tour with Rebecca St James, and I was 10. So none of this is based on how the bands are live. 

Also, disclaimer, a lot of these are also based by personal lifestyle. Those bands that sing about redepmtion and have all the right topics… And also happen to claim Jesus as their own and call themselves christian. Because if I made a list of  only lyrically sound bands that have good musicality…. I’d probably have like, 5. 

Oh. And this list isn’t in any particular order. One really can’t rank one band as better than the next as it all falls into opinion anyways.

So here goes. 

1. Red. Lyrically sound, they make God their focus… And then they’re musically sound as well. You can listen and say they’re too cliche but if you actually know music you know what I mean. Most bands play around just a normal major or minor scale (Ionian mode or Aeolian mode) but Red goes out of their way to use other modes as well. And I greatly appreciate that. And bonus points for musicality and strings. 

2. Children 18:3. I don’t know them musically very much, but I am in school with their sister and I have met their parents. They’re a sweet family, very devoted to God. I appreciate their style musically from what I have heard, as well. Check them out.

3. Manafest. This guy is a 50/50 for me. I like half his stuff, I can’t really stand the other half. Manafest is rapcore btw. While I am not particularly fond of TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch), TFK joined with a rapper is more than palatable. Half the time, anyways. 

4. The Walking Tree. I just found these guys a few weeks ago. Their EP is like, $5 on iTunes (Which I suppose is pretty normal.) but they’re really good. Check them out. 

5. The Birdsongs. If you want to give them a try look up Will You Save Me. Or click this link. Their musical arranging on the song is to die for. The way the band supports the opening piano… The bass.. The eletrci… All so tasteful… Ahhh I could go on…. But I won’t. The band is a family, and the chick doesn’t play the piano believe it or not. I think she plays wither electric or bass. But she does sing. The band name is actually the family’s last name, which is probably the coolest last name ever. 

6. Satellites and Sirens. Perhaps you’ve heard this song on the radio? Believe it or not but the band started on craigslist. Talk about divine appointments eh? 

7. Gungor. This group does not and cannot be fit into a specific genre. I almost wish I was kidding. But only almost. It’s nice to have some variation for once. Most people know them for “Beautiful things” which was popular on the radio temporarily. But the rest of their stuff is fantastic too. 

8. Falling Up is fantastic, need I say more? Especially if you want electronic rock. Exit > Lights is a personal remix album, and we all know bands do better remixes than those silly attempts on youtube. This is a good song if you want to give them a try (That was really hard to choose just one song. So here.  And here.)

9. Write This Down is one of my staple bands. Not gonna lie. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy with a decent voice? I’m only up to 9 bands right now. That’s how hard it is. This is a good song for them..

 10. Deas Vail. The name means Servants of God. It's a pretty quiet not so much rock group. The band spends time together doing devotional and reading the bible. And the lead’s voice? He’s a guy. And he has one of the clearest voices ever, for a guy singing that high. It’s gorgeous. This. And this also, just cause it showcases his gorgeous range. 

Notice I haven’t listed anything with a chick singer yet? Before you ask me where fireflight is you have to keep in mind I’ve been studying voice since I was 10ish. I don’t have perfect pitch but I have a really strong ear. And I’m a girl. I tend to be really really picky about female vocals. Male vocals too, but not as much as female vocals. And I can’t stand Fireflight’s lead’s voice. Sorry :( Moving on. They do get an honorable mention though. 

11. Flyleaf. I do have some issues with them, most specifically being her vocal technique… But all things considered I still think she’s pretty phenomenal. Sad to hear that she’s left the band but hey, if I had a son I’d leave for him too. 

12. This Beautiful Republic.  This one and this one….I’m running out of different ways to praise these bands heh. I found these guys the first time I went on a hunt for decent non stereotype christian, like… 3 or 4 years ago. 

13. The Letter Black. Another chick band. Surprise of surprises, eh? It’s completely likely I just don’t look for them. It’s also possible there simply aren’t that many out there. For the record I’m pretty torn on this one too, vocally. I’m too picky for my own good :/ Especially considering if she were a guy I wouldn’t care so much. Anyways. This band is pretty great. 

14. Ivoryline. They are definitely not a staple band for me, and quite a bit of their stuff is based around acoustic guitar as opposed to electric drums and bass, but lyrically and theologically they are pretty unique. Least, I think they are. This for instance. Or this. But they’re definitely soft rock. 

15. The Wedding. This is the first by them I’d ever heard, and I was captivated by the mix in genre. It was all perfectly normal rock with outstanding lyrics and then suddenly! A saxophone? What’s this? Walking bass? But I’ll let you discover it for yourself. 

We’re at 15 now. 25 seems really far away….. I don’t know if I can make it that far. Looking back through this list a lot of the bands seem fairly stereotypical and cliche, just keep in mind. This is my argument to “There is no good Christian music.” I used to say that all the time. And a lot of these guys are somewhat cliche when compared to normal secular music. But that completely negates the point I’m making. Moving on.

16. Demon Hunter. I won’t lie, I usually forget these guys exist. But they’ve been around for over a decade. Gorgeous music, gorgeous voice. Probably one of the few with this kind of vocals that I like but.. He hits it just right. This band makes my heart all happy. A note of warning, this band dips into scream more than any I previously listed. So if that stuff bothers you skip them. But don’t call it demonic. Remember; demonic worships the devil. There is a real difference between demonic things and things that bother you emotionally. The spirit is not just your emotion. Do NOT get them confused.

17. Anthem Lights. Not gonna lie I don’t know too much about them so sorry if they suck, I just know there’s that one song they play on the radio about “get me out of my mind and into your heart” and I love the lyrics to it, and the music’s not half bad either. Don’t judge me.  

18. Nevertheless. This band isn’t technically classified as rock but that’s ok. This is one of my favorites by them. They don’t exist anymore though, sadly. They disbanded the end of 09. The lead’s voice is so.. Melodic. The band is just that way. Also this.

19. As Cities Burn. I love them. You may not. Their first album is screamo. The ones after that are… Less so. No screaming persay. But he does yell the lyrics. I was hesitant to list them simply because I know how most people feel about that but… Well. I love them and I’m running out of options. 

Speaking of which this is my last one. I’ll edit and add more if I can think of any. Comment to let me know. But the greatest thing about this last one?

It’s local. 

That’s right. Something decent from Kansas City. Shocker isn’t it?

Here’s the catch. Lyrically, they sound Christian. But since they’re indie rock and barely on charts I can’t find much about them. So I can only assume they love God. 

20. We Are Voices. Remember, this one is indie rock. It’s much softer than.. Everything else I’ve listed. So for all you who listen to screamo and freak out, this one is for you ;)

Honorable mentions are… Thousand Foot Krutch. I’ve tried but I can’t stand his voice, and they don’t really seem to sing about God so much as they sing about things happening and energetic fandom and people and things. Fireflight, I can’t stand her voice. Classic Crime, I love them musically and vocally but they feel really shallow when it comes to God. Blindside same reasons. Well, and also because their style isn’t quite my thing. The Send, also the same reasons. But The Send is fairly new so that could change. 

Honorable mentions counted thats 25, so in theory I made it. Celebrate joyfully! If I can remember more I’ll update and add them in. 

That’s all for now lovelies. I have errands to run, bills to be paid, and a job application to pick up if I can remember to… 

Until next time. 

~Silver

Growing up in Thailand, part II

We were traveling out to a small village a few hours away from the city. By village, I really do mean village. Small little wooden buildings and a well and electricity only by generator and everything. My brother and I were very small. There were enough of us going that he and I were told to ride in the back of the covered pick up truck… Over there, they take pick up trucks and put a roof on them, and benches in the inside. Sometimes they even add air conditioning. I can’t remember if this particular truck had that feature… Normally he and I would be ecstatic about this, there was just one problem.

Ruth. 

Ruth was a sweet old lady, I’m sure. And she was good friends with our parents. But she was missing teeth, she coughed up stuff and spat a lot, I’m pretty sure she smoked or chewed tobacco or both, and oh yeah, she had more than one demon. 

Now I know, I know. You can’t just call someone demonized because you don’t like them. But I’m not doing that here. She actually got delivered of them a year or so later and lived out the rest of her life as a much different, freer, and less scary woman. But she was demonized during this story. And we were confined to a small space with her for a 2-3 hour trip. 

Just us. And her. And her crazy eyes and the things she would say that neither of us could understand and how she’d crack up laughing at whatever it was she just said and how she would watch us… We less than pleased with the situation. But such was life. 

Now I have a theory. This theory being that if you took a random american child, raised safely in the church, and put them in half the situations over there, they’d snap. Go into shock or something. Of course I could be wrong, especially since kids tend to be pretty flexible… But demons are simply not something the American church seems familiarized with here. Our parents weren’t freaked out about Ruth. She wasn’t attacked by bible-wielding screaming people casting things out of her. She wasn’t sent away from the church because of her problems. The church took her in and it loved her. My parents took care of  her. They were friends with her. And when she wanted to be delivered, when she was finally able to be free of her demons primarily of her own volition, they and the church were there to help her. 

This is not something I’ve encountered here in the U.S. Heck, it doesn’t even take being demonized for someone to get rejected by the church here. But that is a matter for a different day. 

Every house over there had house spirits. And when a house was built, or when someone moved in, they were to put a string all around the house. That kept the spirits there. Even the apartment complexes had them, they were just wrapped around all the buildings on that floor. And to add to that, each house had a small, doll house sized shrine. It was built in the shape of a small temple and had at least one idol in it if not more. The home owner was to feed the idols on a regular basis, leaving fruit or bowls of rice in front of it. They would also burn incense there, making me very wary of incense here. 

This is very chinese, but same basic concept.

Shrines for sale... These would probably end up in a garden.

When I found out people use incense here I was perplexed, honestly. We don’t have house idols here… Yes it smells nice but… That’s the stuff you burn in offering. Incense has always been an offering. Even in Old Testament times it was an offering. You mean people here do that… Just to scent their houses?

It took me a while to get my head around the concept. Once I did though I was ecstatic. I’d always loved incense but it simply wasn’t religiously sound to burn over there. Kind of like the concept of fire crackers... Over there, fire crackers are a means of catching the gods’ attention. They invited good spirits. People would go up to the temples, literally the high places, to pray and then to set off fire crackers. They would buy huge, long strings of them and wait their turn to set them off. The burning smoke and the smell of the gunpowder was delightful to me, as a child. I sort of grasped the seriousness of the religious fallacy but… Explosions. Smoke. Fire. I was little. It was more fascinating than sobering. 

The firecrackers came in different sizes. Normal size, like pencil or chapstick size... Or this size. Like glue stick size.

These were daily practices. Imagine if we, as the bride of Christ, had as many daily practices as these people! Imagine if we had such devotion, such willingness to do whatever it took to be right before our God. To walk in an upright manner, according to His statutes! I think we would see a very different bride than the one we have right now.

But I digress. Again, that is a matter for another day. Food for thought, for now. 

One of the things my family would do is when people got saved and decided to abandon their old practices, we would smash their idols and pray over their houses. There really is nothing quite like literally smashing idols. Actually taking a hammer to an actual idol. I remember my dad reaching up and cutting the string tied around the apartment complex and thinking, but what about all the families that aren’t Christian? Won’t they notice and get mad at this family? 

As if the strings and household shrines weren’t enough each neighboorhood had one. The wealthier neighborhood the bigger their shrine. These were not dollhouse sized, nor were they full house sized. They were usually about the size of a large dog house, and set on a pedestal. (Though some were tool shed size...) I don’t know whose job it was to make sure it was fed and stuff but there were always fresh strings of flowers and fresh fruit out on it. 

Speaking of flower strings, that’s another thing I grew up with. (This is a complete bunny trail.) The day we arrived in Thailand (I was 5 and a half), on the way to the missionary base, the woman who had picked us up bought us flowers. She didn’t stop somewhere. Just a stop light. It was (And probably still is) very common for families to force their children out on the streets, selling these strings of flowers. They were very pretty and smelled nice and were attached to ribbons. Good for offering, or in this case the woman gave the flowers to us as a "welcome to the country." I was glad she’d gotten them. But it was sad, what I found out when I got a little older. The families would force the younger children on the street selling these, and would beat them if not enough were sold. I always felt so bad for the kids, who were my age. But that is the world over there. And no one bats an eye. 

Once upon a time my father and I were exploring the city. He was looking for temples, so he could pray the God would break in there. I didn’t quite get that. To me it was just a fun day with my father. We chanced upon a small, newly built temple. Having never seen this one before I was pretty excited to explore it. There was construction going on outside; the side of the mountain was being excavated to make room for more statues. Also, the dirt that was being moved was being sold to places like the Netherlands, where land-space was constricted and in peril of being overrun by the sea. 

When we entered the temple we found it pretty scarce, but that was ok. There was still plenty to look at… Because one of the walls was covered in pictures. Terrible, gruesome, and wildly fascinating pictures. Men who had pierced standing fans and ladders and other random objects through their faces and necks. No blood in sight. Small me was engrossed in the pictures.. How could these men stick such large objects through their faces and necks, with no blood or obvious pain? 

(I found some similar but I don’t want to post them here. They really are pretty gruesome and disturbing. This site has them as well as some explanation about them.) 

A temple attendant saw us over by the pictures and smilingly came over to us. She wanted to know why we, foreigners, were there. My dad asked her about the pictures, and here is what she explained. (I think it was all in Thai, so this is young me’s remembrance of what he told me later.)

This was pictures from last year’s piercing festival. Once a year, those devoted to Kuan I’m, the female reincarnation of Bhudda, and also the goddess of mercy, fast for her They fast for a period of time, and then they all get together and, feeling no pain, pierce themselves with random objects. They parade around the city like this, following the head monk, until the end of the procession. Every year the head monk, head of the procession and the religion, cuts his tongue out. (Because after all, gotta one up the insane piercers somehow right?). He heads the parade, holding his tongue up for all to see. At the end, he puts his tongue back in and it is healed as soon as it is back in his mouth. No harm done. A complete miracle (And we get impressed when someone’s headache goes away.)

One year, the head monk went about his normal ritual, fasting and then praying and then having his tongue cut out. Everything went fine, just as normal. But when he put his tongue back in, he put in back upside down by accident. It healed immediately as it was supposed to, before he could realize his mistake. And then when he opened his mouth to speak it hit him. He couldn’t talk. His tongue wasn’t working. He panicked. He motioned to the other monks. They panicked. He couldn’t simply cut it back out, the festival was over. So they rushed him to the emergency room. 

The doctors there had no answers either. “We don’t know how it got this way, sorry. We can’t fix it,” they told him. As far as they could tell he had been born that way. There weren’t even any marks from when he had cut it. 

So he had to fast for another 10 days or however long and then pray until the demons came upon him again. He cut his tongue back out and set it right in his mouth. And then, just for show, went back to the hospital. The doctors were amazed. A true miracle, they called it. 

Dad thanked her for the story, and then prayed a little longer. She smiled and nodded, and took my hand. She prayed over me and tied a pretty bracelet, made of golden yellow thread, around my wrist. She gave me two others, one red and one green, to take with me. I thanked her with wide eyes and admired my new acquisition. Dad also thanked her, took me back from her, and we left. 

When we got to Tesco Lotus he pulled out his pocket knife and asked to see my wrist. I shook my head and asked why? I liked the bracelet. It was pretty. He sadly explained to me that she hadn’t just given me a bracelet, she had prayed spirits over me. He pointed out some other small boys and girls with similar bracelets. Like the string around the houses, this braided string on my wrist was a bind of protection. It held good spirits to me. Reluctantly I let him cut the thing off me and also gave him the two others to cut up. But secretly I kept the pieces for a while until I got worried that I’d allowed demons into the house. 

The other festivals weren’t quite as extreme as the piercing festival, thank goodness. Actually, the other festivals I can remember were pretty fun. They were initially religious practices but also served as great tourist attractions. There were two. The first is a pretty common, worldwide type of thing. It’s name is officially Loy Krathong (Said Loy Krah-tong) but an easier name would be the lantern, or floating lantern festival. Participants would build small circular boats out of wood and banana leaves, and would add flowers and candles. The boat was supposed to have some aspects of the owner’s life, as well. It was to be a representation of sorts. The final day would be filled with parades and dances and concerts and small attractions, and then at the end everyone would go to the lake (In Hat Yai, anyways. It was at the park I mentioned last time.) Everyone would take their boats and set them in the water. They would pray over them as they lit the candles, confessing all the previous year’s sins over the little boat. Then they would release the boats into the water, allowing them to carry all their sins away and leaving them with a clean slate for the next year. My brother and I got to release a boat once, though we didn’t pray over it or anything. It was just fun for us. A I said, we were young. 

These young ladies were in a parade, and would maybe dance as well. Traditional thai dancing, of course. 

These were the "boats". There would also be larger floats on the lake, but those were only for display. These would be for sale all around he park and the city, in case people didn't have the time to make one of their own. 

 

And this is the boats on the water, carrying away the sins so to speak.

The other annual festival was called Songkrahm (Said like it’s spelled. Song. Krahm. Not aim. Ahm.) We called it the water festival. There were three seasons over there (None of that “oh hey it’s winter but it feels like spring and SNOW and then rain and ICE and now it’s summer or is it?” stuff.) Just three seasons. Dry season at the beginning of the year, super dry really hot season at the middle of the year, and then rainy season at the end. The water festival marked the end of super dry really hot season and ushered in the rain for the next season. Everyone would arm themselves accordingly with water guns of all sorts and run around the city attacking everything and each other with water. Many would, as we did one year, put a tarp in the back of their pick up truck and then fill the bed completely full of water, providing a nigh endless supply of ammo for those sitting in the back as the truck was driven around. It was great. Of course I didn’t understand the purpose of that one either. Far as I was concerned it was a city wide water fight. (I did understand when I got a little older, but the first few years it was just fun.)

Of course we also had chinese new year, but there was nothing too special about that. Just fireworks and one year we had chinese friends who gave us new year money. 

The thing is, all of this was normal. Here alternate religious practices scare people. Everything is about being politically correct. If a little girl tried to sell you a string of flowers whil your car was stopped, social services would be called. We don’t know anything over here. I grew up with ex prostitutes. Around men and women who were openly demonized. I grew up where people respected and honored the power of demons, where it was not unusual to make offerings. We see those waving cats and we think aw, how cute, not realizing it is part of chinese religion. The cats are for good fortune, for good spirits, and to invite business. 

Our nation is so spiritually unaware and dead it’s scary. One year at a teen camp the other girls thought I had a demon. If they had grown up where demons were common I think they would have known better, but we are so very sheltered here. The church doesn’t teach us, doesn’t equip us for the very real spiritual world out there. Half the church body even rejects it! But how can they reject the Holy Spirit and the miracles of God, when demon are making miracles of their own?

It mystifies me. How ignorant can we be? I told some of these stories to someone once and she became sad, told me I shouldn’t have had to deal with any of this. I was confused. Deal with any of this? As though it was traumatic. This wasn’t traumatic. I’m sure those living in Jesus’ day would agree with me… We should be way more aware of the spiritual world than we are today.

Anyways. Rant over. That’s my post for today. Ask me questions!! No one ever does. It makes it easier to write when I have something to answer, after all. The next post will be about growing up third culture, not really a thai kid, but not really american either. Expect more ranting, too. 

Until next time!

~Silver

Growing up in Thailand, part 1

This post is really just me reminiscing about where I'm from, and pining for.... Somewhere else.

So you can skip it if you'd rather read something of weight. But if you're curious, continue. I know many people have asked me what it was like, third culture.

So this is an answer. One of three parts. The best one to open with, I think.

I grew up in Thailand.

Most people, I tell them that, they think "Oh! You lived in a little village in a wooden hut and used an outhouse, right?" Yeahhhh no. There are those, don't get me wrong... But there are many more cities than people like to think. I lived in a decently nice neighborhood in one of the 5 largest cities in Thailand. It was a cute little townhouse, nothing big, but to me it was perfect. The neighborhoods were safe there. You could ride your bike anywhere and it was fine. We often took back roads to get between neighborhoods to see friends, my brother and I did. On our bikes. Alone. There were neighborhood kids. We played football... Well, I watched them play football. I'm severely bad at anything athletic.  (Note, when I say "Football", I mean the one where you kick around a ball with your foot, not carry around some oval thing with your hands)

Our neighborhood, like most over there, had its own pool, with a restaurant, which we frequented. There was construction going on, and we would play around shells of houses and stuff. There was a small collection of giant concrete sewer pipes that made a perfect fort, where my brother and the other guys would have air-soft wars.

Upon leaving the neighborhood there was a highway, and on crossing the highway (Think "frogger"), there was the city park. This was a huge park, complete with a small zoo, and huge aviary, a small lake, paddleboats, a handful of open restaurants, lots of walking paths, and flowers, and lots of playground equipment. Oh yeah, and fire ants. Plenty of those. It was fantastic. And if that wasn't enough, the park was at the foot of what in Thailand we considered mountains.

They weren't really full size mountains, but you could see them from anywhere in the city and they were very big and covered in pretty green trees. There were roads that went up them, because that was where a good deal of the big temples were. Not most of them, by any means. Hat-yai, the city, is known for having as many temples as your average american city has churches. The level of devotion is what makes the difference, there. You could travel to the top of the mountain and see the giant gold statue of the standing Bhudda, and standing at his feet you could see most of the city. At any time, if you visited any temple on the mountains, you were sure to hear someone set off a long string of firecrackers to their god. To an 8 year old it was pretty awesome.

Of course, the ride up to the temples was pretty fun in and of itself. Dad had a motorcycle (You would consider it a scooter. But there was a difference between general motorcycles and scooters .Scooters were slow. Motorcycles were fast. It was like taking a harley and making a more generic, way less flashy, and much more affordable version of the thing. Strip the glamor. They were still faster than scooters and far better looking, but not the american motorcycle). My brother and I would take turns, one of us sitting in front of him and safe in his arms, and the other of us clinging to the back. For a temple trip you wanted to be in the front for the trip there, and on the back for the downhill trip home.

The local shopping choices were similar to Walmart and Target (Tesco Lotus, Big C, and Carefourr) but instead of maybe having just a subway or whatever they usually had three or more food chains... For instance, Tesco had a Mcdonalds, a KFC, a small dairy queen, and a baskin robins, and then a bunch of small merchandise stalls set up. They were all inside the building. It was like having a miniature mall, right there.

That was all good and well, but it didn't end there. If you took a trip into the actual city (15 minutes maybe?) there was more. Thailand didn't really have speed limits to speak of, and the joke (Which wasn't entirely a joke) was the Green meant go, Yellow was go faster, and then Red just meant go when no one's looking. Riding in the back of the pickup truck, or on the motorcycle, was a great cheap thrill. Every time. No overly stifling concern for safety. The truck didn't even have seat belts in the back seat.

There were two malls downtown. Lee Garden (Which was mostly restaurants and shopping places) and across from that Central, which was a department store, and then Diane 2. (It was Diane 2 because there was a Diane 1, that had just been a much smaller building so they closed it and opened a second one, and added a 2 to the name)

Diane 2 was a good 10 stories tall (I know, in the midwest we can't comprehend anything taller than 2 and a half stories, but really guys. Elevators. Escalators. They have a purpose outside of offices and hospitals.) There was a parking garage that had roughly the same amount of levels as the mall itself. At the top floor was a movie theater and an arcade. In the middle, running almost the full height of the mall, was a waterfall. Yeah. Be jealous, midwesterners. A waterfall with real water that fell into a pool at the bottom that had fish and fountains and stuff, on one side of which was the food court, and on the other side of which was a Tops. And what else was at the bottom? A bowling alley. Yeah. The place was great. Somewhere on one of the floor was a daidmond (Kind of like a mongolian grill place, except more chinese/thai), and a Pizza Company, and a Pizza Hut (The competition was great). Since the place was huge and full of stores it took hours to get through everything. But if you wanted other, slightly more expensive food choices, you went to Lee Garden.

Lee Garden was half a mall and half a 5 star luxury hotel. The top story was a (fairly pricey) restaurant where you could see the entire city. The mall half was, well, stores and stuff as typical of a mall, and also a large Mcdonalds, and a Swanson's ice cream. Yes. A restaurant just for ice cream. Really, really good quality ice cream in multiple flavors that you could get a million different ways. Would you like a sunday? Yes? Ok, how about one with a large scoop of chocolate brownie fudge ice cream and a large scoop of tiramisu ice cream covered in thick, warm fudge, chocolate sprinkles, and a cherry? Or maybe you'd like one with three scoops... Or a sunday bigger than your head? Yeah, they actually had one of those. I think it was called an earthquake and it came with 3 or 5 spoons so you could split it with friends because there was no way you were gonna eat the entire thing on your own.

The department store accross the street was only interesting to me and my brother because, well, we were under 13 and the top floor was dedicated to toys.

(Note; there was a bad bombing there last year. If you look up Lee Gardens Plaza you'll find pictures of smoke and stuff. I did leave that out... In order to park in any parking garage at either mall, they did sweep your car with a mirror and stuff because the frequent bomb attempts and actual bombings in the city)

Next to Lee Garden/Central was what we affetionately termed the brown market. We're pretty sure none of the things sold there were legal. It was just safer not to question anything. (If my dad went there alone and dressed in a button up, people would close shop. Once he started bringing my brother they realized he wasn't a federal investigator and they became good friends with him). We also called them the rabbit warrens. The area was probably about as extensive as the malls were, but they were all ground level and somewhat in the open.

Anywhere in the city there were good food options for under 5 american dollars. Think full meals. Rice meat and vegetables.

There was rarely nothing to do on a weekend.

Towards the end, when my brother and I were 9 and 11, respectively, we moved out of our neighborhood and townhouse and into an actual house. There had been some australian missionaries there but they were older and decided to move home, if I remember right. Their landlord liked renting to missionaries so much, we got the place next. That neighborhood, of course, also had a pool but its pool was bigger. We had a yard, and in that yard was a small water tower which my brother and I would climb... But that wasn't really the interesting thing. The interesting thing was up the street, on the highway.

About a two minute bike ride from us, there was an internet cafe.

Now, having never had internet access before this was kind of new, and it was before facebook. So we still had no contact with the outside world really. But we'd grown up with zoo tycoon and rollercoaster tycoon. And only 7 of the 40 computers in the place were for internet. The rest were purely for gaming.

And that is how I became a gamer.

Fighting had gotten pretty bad at home so my brother and I would spend all our free time up the street. Each computer had Half-Life, CounterStrike, Half-Life Opposing Force, Red Alert 2, Yuri's Revenge, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, and Grand Theft Auto Vice City. There were a few other games too (Like some golf game) but we didn't pay those much attention. All the computers were in the same system, so imagine a lan game of halflife... With half the room playing. One map. 20 people. Guns and explosives and crowbars and wrenches. And as the only girl in a room full of male college students I learned very, very quickly how to be good at the game. (It was awesome. The larger games, a lot of times I would kill someone and you'd hear a group of guys a few computers down laughing at the guy who just got killed by the small foreign girl) Counterstrike, on the other hand, was not my game. Neither was Wolfenstein. The rest of them I was at least competent in (Though I still cant decide if I prefer red alert or yuri's revenge).

It was a small tragedy when we moved to Min Buri, which is a city in the province of Bangkok. But soon thereafter we found the 10 year anniversary edition of the command and conquer games, and dad had already gotten sick of the desktop pc and its viruses. The computer became our escape.

That city happened to have a mall, but it was 30 minutes away. There was also a safari 5 minutes away from us. But that wasn't the fun thing. The fun thing was getting to go into the actual city. The capitol of the nation; Bangkok.

Now, Bangkok is roughly the size of New York. Except where New York is tall and built upwards, Bangkok is shorter but very spread out. When you watch those movies where it's in the future and everything is just city and it keeps going on and on and on forever (Total Rekall, for instance), that's what traveling in Bangkok is like. Mom used to say it was like someone took a section of city about Kansas City sized, and cut and pasted it over and over and over again. And traffic is impenetrable, full of cars and pink taxis (Yea, pink. Pink and orange and blue and every other bright color under the sun. Two toned or one toned. Because just yellow is just boring).

For convenience sake, the malls are all connected by walkways above the roads. And there's a sky train system. Actually, there may also be a subway by now. When we left I know there was talk of one, but it's been a while...

My favorite mall was, thankfully, closer to min buri ( I think...) There was nothing too special about it... Arcade, movie theater, same as Fashion Island, the mall closet to us. But the roof wasn't a restaurant or a move theater.

The roof was a water park.

You like Oceans of Fun? Now imagine that, on the roof of a 15 story building, within the biggest city in the country.

Now do you understand what my problem with Kansas City is?

Where I live, now, there used to be a mall five minutes away. But due to crime and stuff that place got shut down, making the nearest mall 20 minutes away. That mall is two stories tall. It has a limited food court. Every store is pretty much the same thing. There is one very small arcade in it. The other mall is a half hour away and is pretty much the exact same thing, only a little bigger. There's a bowing alley somewhere around here I think, but everything in this country is so much more expensive. You can either eat somewhere and have a full, healthy meal that you actually like... Or you can go bowling. Or maybe go to a movie. Peachwave is great. I love peachwave. There are parks here, but each is small and heaven help you if you're there past dark. There are pools but you need a membership to go, and those pools all come with rules and regulations.

Everything here has so many rules and regulations...

Thats another difference. Over there, you could buy some food from a street vendor who was just him, his cart, and a hot metal plate. No special safety measures to keep the food good. No rules about sanitation. Food was food and you ate it. You didn't worry about how long has it been sitting out here in this unforgiving hot sun... You ate it, you liked it. Maybe you bought more.

And you didn't get sick, either.

What was it like growing up in a third world country? What was it like, not growing up in the land of the free?

Quite freeing, actually. Quite freeing indeed.


If you have any questions feel free to ask me and I'll fit them in. Next post on this subject will either be about the religious part, with the spirits and deliverance and all that, or about what it was like being between here and there, with no real home country.



~Silver

Reflection on Prayer

I figure, I haven't posted in what, a year? I blame school. Mostly. But the upside of school is at least I can post some of the assignments here.

If you haven't read the way of the heart by Henri Nouwen, I'd highly recommend it. I've read it twice in the past 3 years, which I think really says something about it since I usually can;t tolerate reading a book more than once every five years. 

“Come, sit with me…”

Said my God to my heart, but my heart was silent. 

And in my mind I searched long and hard

For the words to earn me my Lord’s regard

My heart was screaming, but I unaware

That the thing I sought was already there…

I’d try combinations,

Switch the phrases

Change the tone,

I was looking for something to feel less alone,

Some way to express myself and find myself heard

Some way to communicate through thought and pure word,

And I sit, and I think, and meditate on God

But.. To no avail… I was so

Lost, so

Alone, so

Confused, so

Unaware, so

Locked inside 

What the world defined

As prayer…

And as such… 

Locked out of communication.

It’s pure and it’s simple, and it’s obvious and true

Prayer isn’t about what words you use. 

Prayer is the words that come from your heart

It’s a free flow of feeling

The mind takes little part.

It’s all of the things that you feel and you need

And all of the hurts that go deep, like seeds…

You cannot be healed or find true rest,

Until you pray from your heart, and trust that God knows what’s best. 



~Silver

Let's re-cap... Sort of...

I haven't really had anything to say as of late. It's been kind of a mellow, sobering couple of weeks... The kind of weeks where you really just want to keep your mouth shut and let things happen because there's really nothing else to do.

So, in the mean time, to occupy your time for a while while I collect my brain and piece is back in order, here's a few past posts you could go read.

Consider this the reviewing episode, the one where you're watching a show and there's a plot, but it mostly consists of scenes from every other past episode.

Want Great Heart Protection? Allow me to introduce you to... God. 

What is your place?

Images

The image of God... Sins?

The last two are consecutive posts...
There are others from the past, but you can go find those yourself. And if you're feeling really adventurous, you can read my first post. Be warned though. It's mostly just me venting frustration in an inspirational way. Just like the one after it is a long lecture about twilight.

No reason. Just cause. 

God Logic vs World Logic.

I have this theory that once upon a time, the world worked on an entire different sort of logic... Because of a lack of science, yes... But more because by lack of science, facts were proven and not limited by law.
After all, the strength of sin is the law. 1 Corinthians tells us that. (You: Where?) Meh, go find it. I gave you the book if the bible. A hint though, the chapter starts with a rebuke to those who don't believe in the resurrection.

That's a perfect example, actually. Hm. Maybe that's why those two things are in the same chapter. I dunno. But this I know; according to the "laws of nature", dead things stay dead. Just like you can only go a mile a minute at 60 mph. 5 loaves of bread does not feed a starving multitude. And by the "laws of nature," seas and rivers do not split or stop flowing, the sun doesn't stand in place for any length of time, and donkeys definitely do Not talk.

Yet, here we have the Bible. Lazarus dies and stays that way for over a day. Jesus doesn't raise him off a death bead; he raises him out of a grave. A family grave. After he'd been carefully prepped and wrapped and laid to rest. In Luke, Jesus (Who died and is now not dead) walks to Emmaus with two disciples, who didn't recognize him... They invite him to eat dinner with them, and suddenly as he breaks bread they realize who he is. And then he vanishes. (We also have him floating up to heaven on a cloud later). In John ^ (Seriously, read this chapter) Jesus feed thousands of people on one boy's dinner, with left overs, and then proceeds to walk halfway across a lake, get in a boat, and suddenly the boat is at it's destination. Moses splits the Red Sea in half. The Israelites walk across the Jordan river... On dry land. The sun didn't move until the battle was won. And in Numbers Balaam got his a** chewed out by his ass. (Sorry if that offends anyone.)

In today's society, there are two opinions on these phenomenon. There's the Christian opinion which dubs them "miracles." This is a Biblical opinion, though in the greek they are called Signs and Wonder, just to be specific.

These are not Normal. Not now, anyways.

The world's opinion is that all these stories are insanity and factious. Exaggerations. Cool stories.

And why wouldn't they? It's not like the church today lives in that reality.

So here's my question: why not?

The Bible is chock full of awesome stories of things that are not Normal. But did we see Moses hesitate to throw his stick on the ground? No. And then it turned into a snake and ate the demon stick-snakes.

Which brings me to another point. "Miracles" are not limited simply to the church. We live in a reality limited to the physical. We live in a world where science defines what does and what doesn't happen. But see, science is merely limited to the three dimensions we see, and then the fourth dimension, or rather, time.

Science belongs to a world created. Science belongs to the earth. While it is real, it is NOT a governing system. God is the governing system. Did science exist before the world was made? No. Because there was no world to apply it to. There were no rules. There were no dimensions to work with, just... God. And the spirit of God hovered over the waters, and then He spoke light, and thus we see light without source.

No science. Just the power of the word of the uncreated God.

If we live according to world science, World Logic as I call it, then fruit has nothing to do with knowledge and revelation. Fruit is mere sustenance.

But throw that into God logic.

And in God logic, the application of Faith and Willingness results in a mere mortal man walking across the water to meet Jesus.

Do you see my point? Science has limited our scope. It's boxed us in to a certain set of rules pertaining to a limited amount of dimensions. It counts out the spirit realm.

It tells us that no one can look at a lame man begging at the Beautiful Gates and tell him to get up. It says Peter should have died at Herod's hand int eh book of Acts.

So... Where in the Bible does it tell us God Logic no longer applies? Where in the Bible are we told to live primarily according to the sciences and knowledges of man?

I don't know about you, but in My world... What God says goes. And I've got God living in me.


~Silver