The Do's and Dont's of talking to a broken family.

In class today some people decided to ask our teacher about divorce in the bible. This comes up a lot when bible teachers open the floor for Q&A, and after the millionth time of sitting through the series of questions, I've realized...

I have some things to say about it.
But not like you might think.

If you're looking for how to talk to the parents, go elsewhere. I've never been divorced and I've never had kids so I don't know how you might talk to them.

But my parents are divorced.
And I know exactly how I feel about people talking to me....

So here's a quick few guidelines on how to talk to kids whose parents are divorce, or simply separated, who are fighting and not together, whose relationship is on the rocks.

Do: Remember primarily that the person you are talking to has suddenly, at no matter what age his or her parents decided to split, lost control. This person's family, the core of their stability, the foundation of how they were raised, has suddenly become broken. It doesn't matter the reason why. But this person has feelings and their world went from ok to shattered somewhere along the line. They may never recover, that's ok that they don't. But approach them with that mindset. Love, honor, and respect them. They are not representative of their parents' decisions.

Don't: inform the person of your opinion. It doesn't matter if you think their parents should have split or not. It doesn't matter whose side you are on. And it especially doesn't matter if you're praying for them or not. Unless God gave you some incredible words of comfort, it is not your place to speak your opinions or judgements to a kid whose family is broken.

Do: Ask how you can pray. Seriously, this is important. If you're going to pray into a situation you need to know what exactly to pray for. Not every family has hope of getting back together. Not every couple needs prayer for that. I know I personally would rather you pray that hearts get healed, not that my parents get back together. It's way more helpful that way. If my parents get back together and their hearts aren't healed? The resulting storm would be worse than the initial divorce. But that's my situation. Be mindful of every situation on it's own.

Don't: Treat the kids different from the parents. Especially if you profess Christ. I HAVE to clarify with this one... I don't mean shun everyone collectively. But if you're going to show concern to the offspring while shunning one or both parents, you are not exemplifying Christ. And you are confusing the child. Seriously. Someone who's parents are suddenly unstable already doesn't know what to think. Now is your time to be Christlike in love and compassion and be an example of what this kid is to do. My church shunned both of my parents; they wouldn't look either of them in the eye or even speak to them. My dad had to leave, my mom was no longer allowed to help in the church... But those same elders that made those decisions came to me every sunday and looked me in the eye while smiling and asking if I was ok. That was definitely not ok.

Do: Be nice, be welcoming, be helpful, invite the kid over if you know him or her, offer your condolances or a hug.

Don't: Smother. PLease, for the love of God, do not seek out people in this place just to be a helpful shoulder. If you are open and available, they will come to you. Especially if they know you. If you don't know them, don't chase after them. Don't tell them all the time that it's ok to cry and if they need anything you're right there. Do you know what that sounded like to me, and still does? It sounds like I am a problem you are begging to fix. Don't make me your problem. I am my own problem.

Do: Feel privileged if he or she actually does come to you. Feel honored. Feel trusted.

AND THEN DO NOT BETRAY THAT TRUST. You do not go to the parents with the kid's feelings. You do not hand off the kid to other people. UNLESS the kid is literally talking suicide or self harm and you are not equipped to handle it, this individual's heart is PRECIOUS. You have been chosen to steward someone's currently very fragile broken heart. Don't parade that. Don't become "Savior." To me that always sounded like you were saying "Hey guys I'm the one that made her finally break!" which goes right back to I am a puzzle, a code to break, and you are trying to fix me.


If you don't know the person like, at all, but you know their parents? That's nice and all but you will freak the person out if you approach them more than once. Trust me on this. All kinds of adults approached teenage me and teenage my brother. There was a period of time in which i could not deal with adults. They all suddenly became eternally helpful and always there and smiling and wanting to hug me. They weren't there if I needed them. They were whether if I needed them Or Not.
And I didn't.

Don't: Preach at the individual. This goes back to the opinion thing.

Don't: Talk about the individual's family situation with the person sitting right there. Unless you are best friend and you have been personally nominated to be the spokesperson for the individual, you are not the voice. You are not the story teller. That is not your place. Shut up. You are making the person feel more insecure. Whispers that they can't possibly hear will come around. Rumors hurt the kids worse than the parents because the parents at least know the truth. The kids may not know everything.

Do: Pay attention if the person opens their mouth.

Do: Be a friend.

Don't: I think you've got this by now but I'll state it again... Do not force your friendship. I could write a whole other post on forced friendships. I hate them. Don't target them.


Hopefully that covers everything but if I missed something and your parents are divorced, let me know what I missed. I'll edit it in.
And remember, I don't speak for everyone. Every situation is different. But if you be a good, kind, compassionate human and Respect Other People's Boundaries, you're probably doing ok.


EDIT: This is a Don't from a lovely reader who messaged me  :)
"One thing that I never appreciated was that people would ask me how I was doing and most of them I didn't care to share with so I just said "I'm fine." to which they would pause and just kinda wait, like they weren't satisfied with that answer and it wasn't alright for me to choose not to share with them. At that point I would usually just smile and excuse myself or just walk away."
My own words to this is, please, be careful with people! If you're going to ask someone how they are we often forget how personal of a question that really is! ESPECIALLY if the person you are asking is in a crisis situation!!

EDIT: This is another Don't from an anon.
"Have your parents seen fireproof?" As if watching a movie was going to just magically make it all better  I mean, even my own aunt asked me that one. She was somehow convinced that they might watch it and then "see the error of their ways" and poof, everything's fixed"
Literally please never suggest remedies. I personally don't care if you suggest them to the parents, though I think the suggestion of a movie remedy is naive and flippant and probably pretty painful to hear, but to suggest a remedy to a kid? Who do you think the child is, the parent's counsellor? No! So much no!

~Silver